After All This Time
by Booksandsuch56
Summary: For all of you that know in your hearts that Severus and Lilly were meant to be.
1. Prologue

Prologue

Lily shivered, wrapping her shawl closer around her. A deep gnawing guilt scraped at the inside of her stomach. However, despite the ache, she couldn't help but smile at the sight of his dark silhouette turning around the corner. Without a word she buried her head into his robes, inhaling deeply. With his hand supporting her neck, she could feel the muscles in her shoulders finally relax. As if every muscle in her body was tense in preparation for this very moment.

Lilly pressed her lips together as they withdrew, looking cautiously up at him.

He smiled, "Been a while, hasn't it?" he paused, waiting for her response. But her eyes were lowered. Tears welled up, a sob climbed into her throat.

"Lil? Lilly, what's wrong?" She licked her lips, she could taste the salt of her own tears. But… she hadn't realized she was crying.

"Severus," she breathed deeply, she couldn't let her voice fail her. She couldn't look into his eyes because she knew that with one look she would say what she had so many times before. "Never mind," she'd say, "I love you." The simple statement grew in her lungs but she fought it back, not this time. This time was special circumstances.

"We… I… can't meet you here any more." She choked.

"What?" His face was confused, but devastated, "Why not?"

"Severus…"

"No. You can't just cut this off. I-I thought you were happy!" he was angry now, though not at her.

"I am happy, sweetheart. But…" She suppressed another sob, "It's not fair to any of us… to you, to me, to…"

He shook his head. "Lilly! I mean- you keep saying you're going to leave him! I agree. You can't keep us living this way! But, we can live in that house. We can have our own family-"

"Severus, I'm pregnant!" his stunned, silent, face sent a shiver down her back. "For the boy's sake… I can't do this anymore. Don't be angry."

"I'm not angry." He breathed through clenched teeth. "I'll just-I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you too."

"When will I see you again?"

"I don't know." And with that Lilly went up on her tippy toes, and planted a kiss on his cheek. She smiled grimly as she turned around the corner and disappeared into the dark.


	2. Chapter 1:One Day in the Meadow

Severus walked up the stairs to his single bedroom flat. All he could hear was the crunch of his own boots against the tracked in snow, his head was completely numb. Steadily, he sunk into the old yellow arm chair that Lily had made him get. "I refuse to sit in your dusty old flat without a pop of color," she had said with a playful shove. A sharp pain slashed through Severus' left temple.

Severus leaned his head back, examining the rafters. The high ceilings had been one of the reasons he had chosen the house because he didn't enjoy small spaces, they made him feel claustrophobic. However, now sitting alone in the dark, drafty, room he considered crawling into the storage space he never used with a book. He thought better of it for two reasons; first there was always the chance that it had been claimed by some other creature (magic or otherwise). But more importantly, Severus could not think of a single novel that wasn't about love, or had love at least. Love, it's unescapable. Universal. Terrible.

The first time that Severus told Lily he loved her, they were ten. They were young, innocent. The morning was bright and sunny, dew glistened on the blades of grass and the songbirds sang gleefully. They, at least, knew that was going to be special. Severus knew that Lily was going to be by the stream that day because the week before, she mentioned that on Fridays she liked to find bugs, flowers, and even try to trap some little minnows where the lake diverged into three small rivers. Full of hope and joy, Severus walked through the meadow until the tall grasses became dappled and finally gave way to a sandy little clearing, he sat himself down on the bank and waited.

He quickly became restless, he was just about to give up and return home when he felt a tap on his shoulder. Violently he whipped around! His face must have been aghast because Lily was bent in half, her clear laughter ringing across the water.

Eventually, she collected herself and sat beside him on the riverbank, "Were you waiting for me?" she mused, a sparkle in her eye.

"Waiting? No! I didn't even know you were going to be here!" His ears had turned red the way they did when he was mortified.

She laughed shrilly again, "Allrighty Sev," she chuckled, "Why… I'm glad you're here! You can hold the net!"

That day was the best he ever had. Childlike and innocent, they had played imaginary games. They had swam in the lake, completely unaware that someday life would not be quite so simple. As the colors began to splash across the evening sky they lay in the grass and looked up at the sky, watching the clouds float lazily by.

"Have you read any books by Roald Dahl?" she asked.

"Of course I have," he smiled. Severus loved to read. His parents told him to get out of his head and make some friends, but he prefered the characters in his books. She didn't say anything, cicadas chirped in the branches above their heads. "I lo-" he stopped himself. What was he doing?

"You love me?" she inquired politely, slowly sitting up.

"I-I-I"

"You can love me." She remarked kindly. "It's alright to say you love someone."

He bowed his head, the heat rushing rapidly to his face.

"I love _you._ " she said confidently. "See? It's alright."

Lily was the only person he could really say he loved and now… she was belonged to someone else.


	3. Chapter 2

Lily hesitated at the door to collect herself, she checked the time. 9:21, suspiciously early. James was under the impression that Lily had been going to book club, reading romance and fantasy novels, not that she had been living one. But there was no point in standing out in the cold, with the sigh of person opressed with many more years than her she shoved the door inwards.

"Lily Bug!" James was laying across the couch, reading the newspaper. He looked up at her through his rectangular spectacles, his expression full of an optimistic joy that Lily had grown tired of. Especially now with a baby on the way, originally Lily had been sure that his sunny view on life would be wonderful with gallons of hormones swirling around in her body. Now she had her doubts. "Your back so early!"

She smiled, trying her best to be convincing, "We wrapped it up quickly."

"Did you shock them with wit and intellect?" As he spoke, he rose from his chair placing the newspaper neatly on the coffee table.

Again she forced a smile, "Oh, something like that."

"Something wrong?"

"Just a bit tired." She glanced unintentionally at her rapidly rounding stomach.

He grinned and placed a warm hand on her gut. "How's our little Sal doing in there?" he chortled.

"Or Harry." Lily added quickly.

"Or Harry." He agreed. He took her delicate hand in his as he kissed her gently on the forehead. "Are you sure you're alright?"

She couldn't meet his eyes. "C'mon Lily," he plucked a deep red stand of hair away from her face. "Let's go to bed."

Later that night, James slept soundly beneath their covers. Lily, on the contrary, lay sweating and without-a-doubt-completely-awake.

She lifted her shirt and examined the already evident stretch marks, she smiled. She had almost not gone through with it. In the wizarding world, it was easy to get an abortion of some sort, it would have been easy to tell James that she had lost the baby. But they had decided to start trying two and a half months ago, she couldn't imagine telling him that he wasn't going to be a dad. Besides, Lily wanted a little boy. Or a little girl. But really she wanted a little boy, already she loved the little thing growing inside of her.

She loved it like she had loved only two other people in the entire world. The way she loved it's father, and the way she loved Severus. Yes, she loved Severus, never would she not love Severus. A little voice in the back of her face barked at her though, it told her she should be ashamed of herself. Lily knew she had James and little Harry of Sally, but who did Severus have? Who else could Severus say he loved? She had stood at a crossroad, with the wind whipping her hair around, whispering thoughts in and out of her ears. She had stood at a crossroad and she had chosen Harry. Or Sally, she supposed.


	4. Chapter 3

Severus frowned, because, well, that couldn't be right. He must have fallen asleep late but, Severus had always been able to survive on very little sleep. It couldn't possibly be 11:00. But, sure enough, bright mid-day sun filtered in through his curtains and down in the street people bustled around. Working hard. _Because they had something… someone… to work for,_ he thought bitterly.

Again, a sharp pain stabbed through his temple. He let his head hang in his hands, _How could you be_ so _stupid?_ To be fair, this hadn't been the first time that Lily let him down. He thought back to their first year at Hogwarts.

They had both been ecstatic to receive their Hogwarts letters, "It's the best wizarding school you could go to!" Severus had explained.

There was nothing in the world that could keep them apart, that's what he had thought.

On the first day, they had made their way through the train cars, trying to find one to themselves, but it was too full and they had to squeeze in with James and his friends.

Right from the start, Severus hated James. He hadn't paid him much attention, all his focus had been trained onto Lily. Severus hated the way he looked at her so intensely, how he could speak so freely in her presence. He had always felt a little bit stunned by Lily, she had a way of leaving him speechless. Her smell intoxicated him, making him feel light headed in a pleasant way. But James seemed unaffected, in fact his aura swelled in her company, his laugh became truer, his eyes glittered. He was falling in love with her, the way Severus had long ago.

But even worse was Lily. She laughed at his jokes, even when they weren't in the least bit funny. They were beginning to find things in common with each other and the more they spoke, the more the rest of the people in the cabin seemed to disappear and Severus began to feel awfully far away from Lily. She kept pulling at her hair in a peculiar way. Severus knew in that moment, that he had lost her.

When she had been chosen for Griffindor, the boys in the cabin had cheered and she made an effort to pass an apologetic smile to Snape. Her efforts had been futile, she was grinning.

When the sorting hat hollered Slitheryn, it hadn't been much of a surprise. But his stomach still sunk and he walked somberly over to the table. He glanced at Lily, but James was whispering something in her ear. She elbowed him in the stomach gently, but she was laughing at whatever he had said.

He watched wistfully as James led her out of the dining hall at the end of the night, a hand gently placed on her lower back.


	5. Chapter 4

Lily woke to the smell of bacon wafting into her room and sunlight shining gently through their lavender curtains. She rose from the bed slowly, the memories from the night before plagued her sleep, she was still quite tired.

James was wearing his strawberry printed apron, humming carelessly to himself as he set the table.

"What's all this?" Lily asked quietly.

"Oh! Lily Bug!" he exclaimed, "Just cooking up some breakfast for my princess." He pulled out a chair for her and ushered her down.

"Thanks honey…" she tried to sound happy but guilt gnawed at her stomach, eating her from the inside out.

Every kind thing he did for her made her feel like a horrible person. Not only was she unloyal, she constantly compared the two of them. She remembered when she had tried to teach Severus to cook like a muggle.

It was their second year and they had both decided to stay at Hogwarts for their christmas break. James and his friends were away and the entire school was nearly empty. They wandered through the halls and teased peeves, he watched in awe as she performed all sorts of spells he had never even heard of. He taught her potions that simulated emotions and they sat on the steps of a twirling staircase laughing uncontrollably. One night, as they were concocting a particularly strange potion they began to discuss cooking.

"You've never cooked before!" she laughed.

"Nope I guess not."

Her eyes sparkled, "Well then let's go."

"Where are we going?" he had pleaded as they raced down the corridors.

She didn't answer. They swooped through the dining hall and crawled through a little door in one corner. It wasn't locked and led to small kitchen. It wasn't used very often because the food was made magically and kitchens weren't necessary.

"Lily…" he muttered, "What are we doing here?"

"I'm going to teach you to cook." She blatantly ignored his surprised expression, "Now, how about we start with something simple." she opened a cabinet.

"My aunt…" Severus began, "she used to make me pancakes in the mornings."

"Pancakes!" she cried exuberantly, "Perfect. I don't suppose there is a frying pan…" Lily had once been a bright and fiery girl. Especially with Severus, but she could feel that young, naive girl leave her with every passing moment.

She had abused Snape, used him. She knew that now. She knew she had had the choice to become closer with Snape, but there was something that young Lily adored about James. Now, it was too late for them...

 **"You're sure you're alright, Lily Bug?" James asked.**

 **"Just morning sickness, Sweetie." She smiled lightly and patted her stomach.**

 **James looked unconvinced.**


End file.
